It’s almost a year and I find out what was the problem from the very beginning.
When I posted that blog on how I got upset over something that was said to me, at least you knew that I was upset and came to explain that those words were not meant for me. But when you cried that Tuesday after that conversation with me which I didn’t know about just until today, you never did tell me anything about did. You spoke to the "whole world" except me and left me alone to rot when you knew I was upset over the other bigger issue. First rule - when some is upset, don’t come and discuss matters especially sensitive ones like what I should and shouldn’t do and who I can or can’t talk to, big mistake, if I reacted in any way that made you upset, you should realize that I obviously needed time to cool off, and that time was never given to me from Sunday, why is it when you need time to cool off, you can take more than 3 months? And yet still treating me or made me feel like I was some kind of disease that you needed to get away from at the recent wedding?
I'm sorry I made you cry but it wasn’t my intention and I didn’t even know that it upset you that much, for me it was being abandon for 1+ months. The point is at least you knew when I was upset but I was never made aware of it. Lies Lies & Lies from the beginning, picking on petty issues was all you have been doing up until 2nd Jan 2011 while the other person denies everything, no issues with me...yeah right!!
Maybe I can’t blame you all, you like to talk behind my back so much to the point that you think you actually made an effort to patch things up with me, when really you did nothing except for that one phone call saying you missed me and asked me if I’m free to meet up, and when I was and I knew you were, all the sudden the third person couldn’t make it and it was cancelled? Why I wonder, I am that bad that you just couldn’t talk to me without the presence of another, you needed to be babysitted and you still do, or else you wouldn’t keep decline my invite for a heart to heart talk...some friend you are. I dreamt of you, I dreamt that we actually spoke like we used to, I was happy for a moment in that dream, but when I woke up, I knew that was impossible, not with an egoistic liar like you. You can blow up such a tiny issue, who thought you were like that, you instill hate in people and when one notices it, you try harder to make me look bad. And worse still all the assumptions that were made about me...I can’t believe the picture painted by you, it’s as if I’m a villain ever so happy to welcome your entourage to the other side! OMG, for heaven’s sake...Grow up! There’s no side’s from the beginning, you managed to create that all by yourself, congratulations! I’m sure your happy with your creations now.
Now that it’s been a year and I’m tired of hiding things from people, especially when they invite me out and expect you to be there and I have to keep coming up with excuses, it’s time to blow it all off. Why I say this is because when a warning is given to another with harsh words it just shows how unforgiving all of you are, when the actual problem was actually with one person at the table, the rest was not involved but volunteered to be in a drama which was never ending. And funny thing is, that person and the other that was affected by my actions have forgiven me while the rest still holds on to anger and hate towards me and another person for no apparent reason, or is there an unspoken reason behind all this...I know there is, but yeah all is well in that world and keep on refusing to talk about it.
Question is, how can friend make a friend choose between two close friends is something I can’t understand. I never did choose, who was there for me stayed as my friend and this individual dared asked me “Why you choose her over Us?”. And being proud as they have always been, they will never ever admit to what they said or did behind my back. All the lies that were told, all the denials of the truth...and yet I still wish we were able to be as we were. I’m stupid for wanting such things, I don’t use friends, I don’t abandon them in their time of need, I don’t do things to intentionally hurt people, what I did was with reason and when a negative thought appears I shoot a stupid sms, but isn’t that better than keeping in boiled within the group and slander me every time you meet?
I was a free agent right from the start, you have no business controlling who I can talk to or not, I talk or share things with people who are close to me and this was my problem that you were both aware of, but when I made a wrong move to this person who has forgiven me, you were the first one to judge.
This is me letting go of all the hate & love I have towards them, I was never really given a chance to express this to them directly because when asked each time, they say they have no issues with me and we all know that's a lie or else they won't be on-going discussions about me, and as time goes by, those discussion that was started with good intentions (I believe it was) turns to hate when no action was taken to address them. I know now that they don’t deserve my friendship as much as I don’t deserve to be their friend. I wish them well, I don’t hope for bad things to happen to them as they did to me, I hope they find happiness and for the love of Allah, please stop hating people.
Last but not least, the never ending quotes I follow on twitter to self-soothe
"The Truth hurts but it doesn't kill. The Lie pleases but it doesn't heal." - AmandaAdriani
"3 signs of a hypocrite when he speaks he speaks lies when he makes a promise he breaks it and when he is trusted he betrays his trust" - Flashy
"Don't count your friends, See who you can count on!" – Flashy
"When you make a mistake, admit it. If you don’t, you only make matters worse" - Flashy
"People keep adoring friendship between Woody and Andy. The song keeps saying "Friendship will never die". The truth is, they're done now." – wilzkanadi
p/s some may ask why I finally choose to put it on the blog instead of just emailing them directly, my answer would be I'm tired of trying and expected happy ending results. And if I were to email them and get the kind of response I have been getting with all the efforts I have put in, I will be devastated. This way, if they read it or not, or read it and choose to ignore or say they didn't read it, it wouldn't affect me anymore. In other words I don't care of the impact of this actions and it's my way of letting go of any hope that's left of this friendship.
Thank you for being my friend while it lasted. Like a friend said, I can't afford to be sad all the time and think of what could have been anymore, we live life once and I have got to move on.
3 comments:
People come and go in and out of our lives.. but only a few will stay on.. wishing you all the happiness in the world..
forgive and forget is part of letting go, kalo forgive pon tak bole, you can expect this will be brought up again some odd years later...
so we back out, for now, insyaAllah, kalo panjang jodoh berkawan, Allah will show the way, else, maybe its meant to be, doakan diorang bahagia with what they are doing right now, honestly...
we need to put focus in people that actually responded and care, betul tak?
the thing is, I thought they are among the ones who would stay on :(
yes, it's obvious there's no forgiveness and I wish them the best of everything...
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